keepin' it classy

I live every day thinking, that it'll soon get better. Because, i'm pretty sure this can't get any worse. Well, i think i've never been so wrong. I don't see a bright side coming anytime soon. I feel so helpless, living in such lie and not doing anything to change this fact. Well i must say, i can't even remember, how it felt living without that shell around me. I don't even know who i am anymore. This life i live, it's someone elses. All the decisions she makes, all the people she's with, and especially the persons she's supposed to be commited to. I didn't want any of this to happen. Words couldn't describe what i actually feel, and it kills me i'm not able to share this with anybody. It's not that i wouldn't trust anybody.. Yes, i have people who i can trust, it's rather that i couldn't live with anybody knowing any of it. Im just so sure no-one would ever understand it. And that's why i even don't bother explaining, i'm not even sure if i've got a proper explanation to this all. It's just that i'm craving proximity so hard. And everybody allways seem to get the wrong idea of my actions. But this doesen't deter me much. Well actually deep down sure it does, all opinions have a really-really big meaning for me, although i make it seem like it doesen't. This is a very good example of living a lie. The reason i make it seem that way, is that i'd rather make them criticize behind my back, and not feel so alone, even if it's for a moment. These moments have become the only ones, i can be at least little bit happy for a change. I couldn't bear being all by myself. I could say im pretty scared of myself, mostly being alone with my thoughts. Rather say i'm not scared, but terrified. To everything, especially to the future. I'm not sure how long i can take it, living her with a hope just that i could survive the present day, and it has become a habit for me. These motivation speeches to self ain't working very effective nomore. But yeah, what can i say. I'll fake myself another smile to get through another day and just die a little inside with every single one passing.